Clueless

Hi There,

How long has it been since we don't talk to each other? the last time we met is on Dzulhijah 10th. About 10 months ago. I always wait the moment I can talk to you again yet I am so afraid and feel so ashamed. 

You have turned to someone else. No longer the one I used to know. No longer the one who was trying to find his path. you have grown up a lot and sadly we are apart. Sometimes I wonder which moment takes us to this way. what mistake I made so that you go away. If only you have a clue of how much I miss you.

This feeling is insane. I thought as the time flies by, as the little amount of our encounter, I will slowly forget all the things about you. But I was wrong. The place where I belong today is so close to you. It is true that you are not there but your story is always there. so, what can I do?

I am clueless.

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Much Aware

 Aku sepenuhnya menyadari,

Dengan cinta, apapun yang kita lakukan akan terasa membahagiakan. sesederhana apapun itu.

Dan tanpa cinta, semembahagiakan apapun hal seharusnya bisa menjadi, tetapi kita tidak akan pernah mampu memberi makna di dalamnya.

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After Storms

One day, 

I may say to my self, "Got it. so this is what He has planned for me. Allah is really best planner overall."

But today,

There is nothing but sadness and sorrow that I feel.

I know, Allah knows which one is better for me. But as human, I have tendencies to not accept the truth.

Realizing that what is happening is not something I ever dreamt makes me fall deep down into bad cycle of heart nuance.

It is hard.

It is hard to marry someone I don't love. And I have to accept truth that the earth is not rotating for me only. So i have to set aside most of wishes I have.

I just realized how much I love that person.

The person I saw yesterday. Though a glance only, he able to make my heart beat faster that it used to be.

In my daily prayers, I always ask God to make him love me. to make him mine. 

to make the story I always dream comes true.

But all I can do is praying. nothing else.

Will the God grant my wish or Wont he? ... itu bukan sesuatu yang aku bisa ikut campur di dalamnya.

I surrender. I surrender.

the only words I can say everyday. Because everything happen by His Rule and His Wish.

So I will just surrender.

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Been So Long

Yes, It is been so long after I didn't write at this kind of type. I drowned into my activities and so my heart-broken. however its much awesome to be me my self, that is afraid to step forward but so carelessly run forward without map sometimes.

I am afraid of risks but somehow I take them with no deep thinking often. Kind of, I am a perfect wanderer who love to engage challenges and risks. 

so grateful today. alhamdulillah.

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Scared

All these things make me scared. What if I lose? Though I said I am strong but what if actually I am weak inside?

What if all these conditions gradually lead me to a permanent broken stage?

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Answer

Maybe the answer is there

But your heart has no strength to accept

Just because it is a no

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 Kadang bukan orang lain yg complicated, but ourselves is

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