Every soul fights their own matters. Every one faces their own anxiety. and now, I am struggling from my anxiety to love someone.
Love has never been clear for me. The line between admiration and love is thin. The concept of love itself is blurred. Guess someone will help me to create a good definition.
I just know that love is a freewill creature. No one can decide who will love him, or who he will love. It has never been clear. Absurd.
If someone give me an option, I will choose to love someone who love me. So that the story won't be complicated. we will just love one and other. and then live happily ever after together.
But, no one is giving me an option.
So, if by chance I love a person, I don't think someone else has a right to get in my way. Even if he is younger than me. Soekarno married Inggit Garnasih even when Inggit was 13 years older than him. Sayyidina Muhammad married Sayyidati Khodijah even when Siti Khodijah was 15 older than him. So, what's the matter with 5?
Yet I know, I live in an environment where age matters is important. I won't argue anything. I know where I am standing and what I should do.
It is okay to let the feeling vanish as the time flies. It is okay to train my heart for not loving him again gradually. As the feeling came without permission, it should go silently too.
I don't know why do I love him, so I don't need to know how the love will go.
I don't know how does he look so charming in my eyes, so I don't need to know how the charm will fade away.
Everything will be so easy to happen if it meant to be. Including the process of erasing a feel.
Just a few weeks back, the dream of living together after we both got married seems so perfect to have. We will pass the days together no matter what happen. I will strengthen him when he is weak and vice versa. We will fight sometimes but we will always find a beautiful way to reunited again.
Life is fulfilled with tears and laugh.
How great it is to cry and laugh together. To share the moments. Joyous and sadness, both of them.
A dream is a dream anyway.
Since now I am standing in a place where he used to be, and he might be here again in two or three following years, so I will change the way I look at him as soon as possible. In the future, when he was here, it should not be him again the one whom I love. In the future, when I might meet him more often, I must have settled down. He will shine brightly when he get older. He will become much wiser than he is now. Hopefully.
Let the storms he meet make him tough. Let the wounds he gain make him mature. Let the love and attention he get make him a man with a kind heart.
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