It's just yesterday i graduated from University but now it has been two years.
I always love to look back just to remember what I have done in the past.
Sometimes I say to my self,
"If only I did better, maybe i will get a better today that what it is now."
But realizing that the if is not something good, I turn to just put my self in a gratitude.
Whatever it is, what I have now, in this place and in this occasion, is all the best I can have.
A lovable family, good friends, a good job, someone to admire and motivate - despite my singleness and failure to go abroad, everything's felt so perfect.
For no reason the sky today is overwhelmed with fog. It is just dark everywhere. Like rain is going to fall down whenever. I am sitting here again, in a room that become so familiar to me lately. Seeing to a window with farms and white-sky outside.
At this moment, the failure of erasing a name from the bottom of my heart is still haunted me. I just do not understand why it becomes this difficult if it only just a kid? His simplicity and hospitality? His good-looking appearance? His vulnerability that he try to cover all of the time? His worries? His fack-boy appearance that save a good-boy inside? His look like he has everthing but he is so much lonely inside?
I don't know why I love him. Indeed.
I don't know everytime I try and almost succed soon I go back.
Even if I know he may be take a liking to someone else, I just steadily standing here, hope for nothing.
I am not a fool, you know.
I love my self, of course. and I love him too.
where is the mistake of loving someone?
where is the mistake if the somone is him?
I just think that when all this frequence I have about him is done, in the future I might see my self as a dumb who spent her time for unnecessary things. I just thought that love may be is really blind. When we fall in love suddenly we disable to distinguish the bad and the good. Though that bad and good is only a justification, yet the general consideration is worth enough to be taken as the general truth. then I think, what if the one who God has prepared is really him?
I don't even want to say impossible no matter how impossible it looks like.
But I don't want to run to him too.
I will just let him by.
Let my self find what it should find.
Let the feeling fades away.
Let the new story comes in.
You know,
erasing a feeling is not like turning off or on a lamp, so that just let it be.
All I can do is lettting it be, fade or grow, as the time flies by.
what destined for you will definitely be yours, and what is not destined for you will never be yours no matter how hard you try.
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